I am very competitive.
I had an inkling years ago that I was competitive. In the safe environment of my family, we jumped on each other as we tried to outsmart the other player…from basketball to playing a board games, it was aggressive and intense! There was an unbridled joy in trying to outwit your sibling, though I can honestly say I was not often the victor. (not for a lack of trying. LOL!) However, as I got older, I would not even consider competing in anything. Not in play, not in work, not in life.
If I was a pseudo-psychologist I might say that perhaps a fear of failure was a factor in this. Hey, fear of failure is pretty common and I’m no different! No…I was afraid of what people would think.
Seriously.
Sensitive to a fault, I would worry about what people would say if I tried to be better than others. What if they laugh at me? What if they talked behind my back, eyes rolling in disbelief? What if I fail and I lose credibility? What if they heckle me? Who the hell did I think I was?
This feeling spread in ALL aspects of my life. I would not try. I waited for things to fall in my lap. On the few times that I did try something it was juuuuuust enough to pass as mediocre, a C+. And believe it or not, I’d “ask permission” from people to do something out of the norm! It was like I needed people to say it was okay. I’m feeling a little nervous even admitting to all this because, written down in black and white, it’s quite horrifying!
I can try to explore the causes but, really, is it that important? I was tired of mediocrity! I was annoyed with being safe! I was sick of allowing other peoples opinions dictate how I lived my life! And let me tell you…when you hand over your power, THEY WILL TAKE IT.
So, one day, I decided no matter what people thought, I would do everything in my power to be THE BEST at whatever I put my mind to. No more half- hearted tries. No more looking for approval before I acted. No more using my kids as an excuse. No more down-playing what I was trying to accomplish because I was afraid of what people thought.
The evolution from just 2 1/2 years ago is actually quite startling. It was not easy. In fact, my heart would pound a mile a minute every day! But as each day passed, it became a easier. I began to crave the challenge. I became comfortable with the idea that I may make an ass of myself but AT LEAST I TRIED! I feel that, for certain people in my life, my failures were a chance for them to feel superior and secure in their own little lives. That’s fine. Their opinions don’t touch me anymore because in my head, failure has become an OPPORTUNITY! I will learn. I will grow. I will try again. And I won’t be asking their permission.
~Danni
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Reinventing Danni 
Great goal – good luck. You should mention you were one of eleven so we get the idea that the competition was fierce in your family 😉
Funny you mention being the best, yesterday I was thinking – if I’m not writing I should be reading about writing – learning learning learning to get better – I should aim for the best 🙂
LOL…I wasn’t sure if that was TMI!
Since being laid up and on the recliner, the “learning” aspect has come into play big time. Youtube videos, articles, etc….
Congratulations on overcoming your fear! I often find myself feeling the same way…worried about what people might think, what if I do it wrong, what if I say the wrong thing…Usually, I just say to myself…get over it and just do it…Normally, it works out for the best.
Hey, maybe you would like to join me at the World Boardgaming Championships in Lancaster PA in August. Great competition, lots of fun, just like childhood but with way more playmates!